I’m a gay guy in my late 20s – I’ve been in a relationship with my partner for five months now. He’s very sweet, sooo fucking gorgeous, and we’re at similar points in our life and want the same things (travel, kids someday etc.). I know the kind of relationship I want, one that’s really honest and low on drama, but I know we have a lot of work to do. He can be pretty insecure, and has been having a rough time, and it takes a lot of effort for me to help him deal. We have a lot of fights that seem really unnecessary on a pretty regular basis, but I think we’re getting better at communicating. I know having a great relationship takes a lot of work, and we’ve discussed maybe seeing a counselor, because both of us have had pretty messed-up pasts relationship-wise. Is there more we could be doing?

Wants It All
(Davie)

 

This is a tough one. So, in addition to my advice, I’ve decided to let my delightful boyfriend and partner-in-crime weigh in on it once I’m done. Stay tuned. So, you and your partner of five months are having problems?

Not boyfriend, lover, boy-toy, but “partner”? Unless you knew each other long before you started getting romantic, after only five months how do you know if this “rough time” is a temporary glitch that needs some TLC, or a long-term pattern, a neverending black hole of energy you’ll never get back?

The first six to twelve months of a new relationship is generally the time of breathtaking, sleep-deprived, honeymooned bliss of reveling in each other’s newfound awesomeness. It’s also the stage where people are on their absolute best behavior, and make extra efforts to hide their flaws and common humanities.  It’s also true that new couples have abnormally low serotonin levels (similar to those found in patients with Obsessive-Compulsive Disorder), and rather high levels of the neurotransmitter dopamine, a chemical that triggers intense rushes of pleasure, and has the same effect on your brain as cocaine.

In addition to making you feel great, and exciting you about your new relationship, these chemical imbalances give you a leg up in all kinds of helpful areas, such as overlooking major personal flaws. If your relationship on its best behavior is already fights, insecurities, and seeing counselors, imagine what delights are coming in a couple years, once the brain-drugs have worn off and you’ve grown accustomed to each other.

And now, it seems fitting that my (in)significant other weighs in with his manly man-view.

 

I’m with the lady on this one. I’m not sure you can call anybody a partner after five months. Christ, they’re practically still a stranger. Whether or not somebody’s your “partner” isn’t a distinction you’re able to make after such a short time. As stated above, the early stages of lust make you act like a crazy person first and a coke addict second. In reality, it’s hard to know how the relationship is going because we’re addicted to that person: instead of doing a line here and there, you’re throwing your head down on the desk like fucking Scarface. Of course you want this thing to work; you’re physically compelled to overlook all the bad stuff.

I’m not usually big on telling people the way things are “supposed” to be – our own relationship is so far from conventional that it passed “supposed to” a few kilometres back, but the early stage of any relationship is supposed to be fun. Beyond that, it’s supposed to be fulfilling somehow. It’s supposed to bring out positive qualities in us, and our “partner”. So, do yourself a favour: don’t look at the other person. Look at the relationship. Look at what you bring out in each other. What’s the dynamic? If you’re bringing out positive things in one another most of the time, stick with it. If not, walk. Because if the dynamic itself is broken, if you can’t bring out positive qualities in each other now, it doesn’t matter how great the other person is, it’s never going to work. It might be tough to do, but trust me: kicking that habit will never be easy.