EXCERPT FROM FACEBOOK CHAT BETWEEN DJ STRANGELOVE AND I; MARCH 21ST, 2010 (edited mercilessly for spelling and grammar):

21:23:

IH:
I did it.

DJSL:
Did what?

IH:
It.

DJSL:
What the fuck is “it”?

IH:
I got a girl’s phone-number.

DJSL:
Fuck you. No you didn’t.

IH:
Yeah, I did. Last night. At The Whip.

DJSL:
Fuck you.

IH:
No, I did.

DJSL:
No you fucking didn’t.

IH:
Yes, I fucking did. Stop saying “fuck” so much.

DJSL:
Sorry.
What happened?

IH:
Just walked up and asked her how my ass looked in the new pants.

DJSL:

Jesus. And it worked?

IH:
Um. Yes.

DJSL:
I’d recommend retiring that line ASAP.

IH:
I know.

DJSL:
Like, ASAMFP.

IH:
I will, okay?

DJSL:
Cool the attitude, mate. Just here to help. How did you get her number?

IH:
A friend of hers said she was interested, so I just went up and asked for it.

DJSL:
Okay. I guess we have to go into Number-Grabs.

IH:
What the hell is a Number-Grab?

DJSL:
A way of getting a girl’s number without looking like a complete vagina.

IH:
I didn’t look like a complete vagina.

DJSL:
Did you use the Number-Grab?

IH:
I don’t even know what it is.

DJSL:
Then, you looked like a complete vagina.

Next time, do this: wait until you can tell the girl is interested, then, a minute or two before the conversation runs out of steam, say: “Look, I gotta run, but it was really great to meet you.”
She’ll say: “Yeah, totally”.
Without stopping, say: “We should totally hang out one of these days.”
Again, she’ll say: “Yeah.”
Then, just hand her your phone.

IH:
That actually works?

DJSL:
Every tiem.
Fuck.
Time.
Because, the goal, early-on, is to keep the situation from getting uncomfortable. Just coming out and asking for her number will make most girls uncomfortable, because it shows that you have crap social-skills. Don’t make her uncomfortable.
Ever.
Uncomfortable girls do not have sex with you.

IH:
So, what do I say?

DJSL:
What?

IH:
What do I say when I call her?

DJSL:
It’s a little early for that, don’t you think?

IH:
Um, no.

DJSL:
That’s where you’re wrong, boy. We’ve got to make you a Date Plan. An outline of everything that’s going to happen when you meet her, from beginning to end.
Where do you live?

IH:
Main.

DJSL:
Main? Fuck. That’s like a dating Dead-Zone.

IH:
So?

DJSL:
A good first-date always takes place close to where you live. That way, if things go well, you can make sure that it ends at your house. Specifically, the bed part of the house.

IH:
Aren’t we jumping the gun a bit? I haven’t even called her.

DJSL:
No. When you’re new to this, and you’re on a date, you’re going to get nervous.
There are just so many hurdles: when to kiss, how to get her to your house, how to keep things moving.
If you don’t structure these waypoints beforehand, you’ll just get nervous, blank, and fuck it up.
You need to prepare for every possibility. ALWAYS HAVE A PLAN. Remember?
Then, just pretend it’s all coming off the top of your head.

IH:
I told you, I don’t want to trick anybody. I don’t know if I can treat a woman that way.

DJSL:
Ian, for fuck’s sake. Since when did Not Being A Weiner constitute a “trick”?
If you’re attractive, exciting, and interesting, she’ll want to sleep with you. Women aren’t made of porcelain. They want sex just as much as we do. But, surprise, surprise: they want to have it with people who are attractive.
And women are attracted to strength.
Depending on the woman, her definition of strength will change, but having interesting places to go, and being decisive about what you’re doing is going to look strong no matter who she is. Trust me: my female friends are always complaining about the lack of interesting, attractive men in Vancouver. Do them a favour.
I’m not saying that you have to sleep with her right away, but you need to know how to get her to that point in a fun and comfortable way, so when it happens, you don’t panic.

IH:
But, what do I SAY to her?

DJSL:
We’ll get there. FIRST, we need three interesting things to do on Main Street. In order for a woman to think you’re interesting, you have to take her somewhere interesting.

IH:
I can’t just do dinner and a movie?

DJSL:
Not unless you’re interested in looking like a huge shittyass.

IH:
Well, there’s an amazing Thrift Store down the street.

DJSL:
Take her. Meet her for a quick coffee first, then go. Try on clothes. Take photos of each other. Then, suggest a restaurant.

IH:
I can’t do a lot of restaurants on Main. I’m a vegetarian.

DJSL:
Well, figure something out. After the Thrift Store, mention that you’re hungry, and suggest grabbing a bite.

IH:
Then what?

DJSL:
Your place.

IH:
Um.

DJSL:
But, don’t just take her there. If you’re going to get a woman to your place, you need a reason.
You can’t just say: “let’s go over to my house, so we can have sex.” Unless she’s desperate, insane, or in her 30′s, she won’t go for it. Women want sex just as much as we do, but if you make them feel cheap or pressured, they’ll bail. So, you need something else.
My favourite was always BBC Planet Earth.

IH:
?

DJSL:
It’s just so full of crazy shit. Bats being eaten by cockroaches. Giant hills of guano. Bring up some random thing you saw. She’ll either have seen it, or think it’s cool enough to want to see it. Then, say: “That’s it. We’re watching it,” and leave it at that. Then, continue with the date, and, when you’re done at the restaurant, tell her (don’t ask; tell) that she should come over, so you can check it out. It’ll seem casual, accidental, and won’t make her…

IH:
Uncomfortable.

DJSL:
So, let’s recap.
Step One?

IH:
Coffee Shop.

DJSL:
Step Two?

IH:
Thrift Store.

DJSL:
Step Three?

IH:
Restaurant.

DJSL:
Don’t forget to mention Planet Earth! Step Four?

IH:
…

DJSL:
Step Four?

IH:
My place.

DJSL:
Then, you let her settle onto your couch. Get close. Make sure you’ve been touching a lot beforehand.
Use all that touch work you’ve been doing. Start with something casual: a knuckle-pound, then a Thumb-War, then a touch on the arm, then the shoulder, then the knee. And, so on.
Last thing: make sure you’re not afraid to give her shit.
This is the single most important principle you’ll ever learn.
A strong, confident man isn’t afraid to call her on her faults. Look for opportunities. If she gives a weak knuckle-pound, make her try it again. If she snorts when she laughs, make fun of her.
So often, men put themselves in subservient positions for no good reason, and do their best to impress the woman they’re with. Flip it around. Make her want to impress YOU.

IH:
But, what do I say when I call her?

DJSL:
Ha.
Just tell her you’ve got something awesome to do, and she should meet you midweek.

IH:
That’s it?

DJSL:
Yep. You don’t owe her an explanation. You just met the bitch.

IH:
Okay.
I’m going to call her now.
Nervous.

DJSL:
You can do it, man. I believe in you. You run into trouble, send me a text.

IH:
Thanks.

DJSL:
Anyway, must hit the hay.

IH:
Rough night?

DJSL:
Well, you know how it is. First time you sleep with someone…

IH:
Forget I asked.

DJSL:
Her name’s Jenn.

IH:
I don’t want to know.

DJSL:
God, I’m so proud of you.

IH:
Shut up.

DJSL:

IH:
?

DJSL:
I just like sharks. Deal with it.