“I like to think I’m kind of a unique person.”

“Im normal so i would appreciate if you were too.”

“I believe that beardliness is next to Godliness.”

“I am especially keen towards people who are both humorous and witty in their approach.”

“u dont need to have a truck, it just be a lot cooler if ya did.”

“The first time we meet will be in a crowded Starbucks, to make sure you’re not a psycho.”

“If you’re under 6’0”, don’t even bother.”

“I am probably the most awesome girl you will ever meet and you better be pretty awesome yourself.”

“Personal hygiene is a big plus for me, so if you don’t clean yourself it’s probably not worth sending an email.”

“I love any animals… even including that porcupine that i swerved out of the way to hit but still hit him anyways and just knocked him in to a snow pile…”

“I love my bike and take it everywhere with me, his name is Marcellus Wallace, in case you were wondering.”

“I might not be the prettiest or sexiest… nor have the perfect body… I might not be anyones first choice… but I am a GREAT choice…”

Just when I thought my life couldn’t possibly get any weirder, DJ StrangeLove made me sign up for Internet Dating. By now, I’d stopped fighting his barrage of odd suggestions, opting instead to bear them with quiet distaste and the occasional heaving sigh. When I signed up, there were roughly 150,000 people online, which was comforting in a way, a reminder that I certainly wasn’t the only one out there who found social interaction terrifying.

The application form itself was more specific than I’d imagined, with fields for Religion, Profession, Birth Order, Dating Intent. It even had places for Current Salary and Longest Relationship, both of which I wisely ignored. Then, filled with unease, I took a quick profile snapshot with my webcam, and, after at least two beers, and a half-hour of pacing, wrote the following:

“ABOUT ME:

I’m not sure how to write this. Friends would tell me to be clever, charming, humorous and handsome, and, seeing as I’m varying degrees of all four, it shouldn’t be too hard.

I should probably start with what brought me to plentyoffish. Curiosity. Lust. Loneliness. This seems like a great way to cut through the intense unease of approaching a stranger, and avoiding the awkwardness of that situation going terribly wrong. Most importantly, since I rarely find the courage to approach anyone, this should increase my odds of meeting people. At least, that’s the plan.

I have yet to meet a person that doesn’t like me. I’m a part-time writer, full-time slave to the man, who loves his bike and his tunes. I’ve spent most of my time this summer biking, listening to music (Exile on Main St, The Suburbs) and taking pictures of Vancouver. We live in a fantastic city, and I love exploring it.

So, if you enjoy fast-paced rides through the alleys of the Downtown Eastside, then drop me a line.”

Under “Interests”, I listed a few quick items.

Under “Relationship Needs”, I selected “Other”, and under “Drug User?” I selected “Socially”. A few minutes later, I hit “SAVE”.

And then, I sat back and waited.

One day.

Two days.

Three.

Nothing. Nothing in my inbox but a “thank-you-for-joining” message from the founder (that actually got me more excited than it should have, before I realized what it was). I sent a few messages to girls I found interesting, singing their praises, commenting at length on pieces of their profiles I particularly enjoyed.

“I love the quotes you have listed,” I said to one, “I’d like to think these are mottos I can live my life by.”

One after another, I poured my heart out to these women, writing intense, well-thought-out messages, sometimes close to a page in length, but not a single one of them responded.

By the end of the week, I was in despair.

And it was then, just as I was ready to give up, that I recieved an email from DJ StrangeLove.

TO: Ian Hannon ([email protected])

FROM: DJSL

First of all, never put that you do drugs on PlentyofFish. Ever. This is just one of those things chicks don’t need to hear. To you, it might be a joint every now and then, but to them, you may as well be smoking crack with Hitler.

Now, the first rule of making a successful online dating profile is this: you need awesome pictures. Shots of you skydiving, bungee-jumping, hiking, doing sweet bike tricks; anything that shows you at your most exciting. It’s the first thing people see, and there is no better way to convey attractive qualities.

All of the rules that apply to picking up women in the real world apply to the online one, including that very first thing I ever told you: being yourself is not enough. You can’t just toss up a candid webcam shot, and a few off-the-cuff thoughts, and hope for the best. Like I said before, it’s not enough to just show yourself; you’ve got to show your best self.

Now, you might be asking yourself: ‘How do I showcase my attractive qualities?’

Well, fear not, sweet Prince, because below, I’ve provided:

DJ STRANGELOVE’S EPIC LIST OF 10 THINGS THAT EVERY LIVING BEING FINDS ATTRACTIVE, ALWAYS (HEREUNTO KNOWN AS ‘THE TEN COMMANDMENTS’):

1. Thou art well-dressed, and well-groomed.

2. Thou art safe, trustworthy, and well-adjusted.

3. Thou art unafraid of women, nor dost thou need their validation.

4. Thou art adventurous, and like to do exciting things.

5. Other women findst thou attractive.

6. Thou enjoyest sex, and art sexually confident, but don’t need it. Desperation ist unsexy.

7. Thou hast ambitions, and aren’t afraid to get what thou wantst.

8. Thou hast a sense of humour about others, and especially about thyself.

9. Thou hast, and are comfortable with high social status, and art socially adept.

10. Thou art willing to make her work for thine affections.

Have a gander at your profile right now, and tell me how many of these you’re actually adhering to.

“Lust”? Violates Rule 6.

“I have yet to meet the person that doesn’t like me”? Violates Rules 8 and 9.

And the entire section about being socially awkward? Well, it violates virtually every rule on the list, boyo. Who’s gonna want to hang out with you when you’re virtually guaranteeing that any social interaction with you is going to be about as fun as a speed-bump?

INTERESTS: Now, do you think for a second that this is a section that’s about your actual interests? No. It’s a chance for you to be attractive. Put down funny things as well as interesting ones.

It should be a useful cross-section of athletics, arts, “extreme” activities, a nerdy interest or two, and a few funny, random things, like “Coats”, “Greco-Roman Wrestling”, or “Avocadoes”.

And finally, I think we could beef up the excitement factor a bit. We both know you’ve done a lot more than you mention. Hell, you write for The Dependent. You’ve experienced so many parts of this city that nobody else has. and these are the details that need to appear. They’re true. They’re interesting.

They’re FUN.

All this goes doubly for messages.

The ones you’ve sent so far are far too long, and extremely needy-sounding. They state what you like about the other person, without giving them a single reason to give a shit.

Remember: Be Attractive First. You don’t need to convince them they’re your soul-mate. You simply need to give them a quick (and I stress quick) reason to want to keep hearing from you.

Simple. In and out quickly.

Like Delta Force.

When it comes to human behaviour, people are far more likely to commit to small decisions than they are to big ones. Your messages are basically trying to get her to date you. That’s a pretty big request from a stranger. Why not start with one line? Two lines? An amusing, cheeky question, based on her profile? Then, all she has to commit to is a one-line response. And then, the flip-side is, that once human beings have committed to smaller decisions, they’re a hundred times more likely to commit to bigger ones.

Good luck.

- DJSL”

“Are you suggesting I actually post something like that?” I shot back, “God, I hope not. Especially since it would be littered with lies. Just absolutely brutal lies. Where I come from, that’s called Selling Out.”

What was I, Indiana fucking Jones?

“ABOUT ME:

That I’d consulted DJ StrangeLove’s list didn’t matter anymore.

I had spent close to five hours writing the stupid thing, and countless dozens more cruising the site, getting the lay of the land. I had focused all of my energies on using what I had read, changing it to fit my personality, and comfort-level, and my idea of what was right, and, after all of that compromise, all I wanted to do was go to sleep, and I did so filled with self-hatred.