Excerpt from a Facebook Conversation Between DJ Strangelove and Ian Hannon (edited mercilessly for spelling and grammar)

DJSL:
Five?

IH:
Um…

DJSL:
FIVE?

IH:
Yeah, man.

DJSL:
FIVE!!??

IH:
Yeah.

DJSL:
Fuck you. You didn’t get five.

IH:
Yes, I did.

DJSL:
No, you didn’t. There’s no fucking way you got five. Nobody EVER gets five.

IH:
Really?

DJSL:
FIVE?

IH:
YES.

DJSL:
Fuck you. No you didn’t. There’s no way. You couldn’t have. Did you really?

IH:
I’m serious, man. I’ll forward you the email.

DJSL:
Fine. Do it. Do it right now. There’s no fucking way.

IH:
There.

DJSL:
Fuck.
You DID get five.
How did you get FIVE?

IH:
Just awesome, I guess.
Marta, Starla, Linzi, Anne, and Lucille.

DJSL:
Lucille? Hahahahahahahaha! The piano teacher?

IH:
Don’t make fun of her. She was nice.

DJSL:
I bet she’s a tiger in the sack.

IH:
That’s sick.

DJSL:
No, man. The minute you get those white gloves off, I bet she gives a mean handjob.

IH:
Shut it. She sent me an email already.

DJSL:
WHAT? Really?

IH:
“I enjoyed your recommendation of the band Sigur Ros. Please also enjoy the band Blonde Redhead. Hope to hear from you soon!”

DJSL:
Hahaha. Jesus.
Yeah, she would do all kinds of freaky shit to your man-parts.

IH:
No sharks this time?

DJSL:
We’ve moved on from that.
So, did you get back to her?

IH:
Nah.

DJSL:
Why not?

IH:
I can’t do it, man.

DJSL:
WHY NOT?

IH:
These people’s lives are already hard enough. They weren’t at Speed-Dating because they were giant losers. They were there because their priorities are different. They’re not your kind of people.

DJSL:
“My” kind?

IH:
You know. One-night-stand people. People who make sex a priority over relationships. They’re there because they want something more, and they don’t know how to go about finding that kind of someone. The last thing they need is ME fucking with them.

DJSL:
Ian, you need to be meeting people. Like, weekly. How are you going to learn if you don’t practice?

IH:
I know.

DJSL:
The goal isn’t to get laid. Getting laid is just a pleasant side-effect. The goal is mastery of the Social Arts. To be able to walk into a room and own it. To be able to get what you want from people.

IH:
That would be nice. But, at the same time, man, I don’t know. What kind of a person is it that can control a whole room?

DJSL:
The kind of guy who knows how.

IH:
I’m not sure that’s how I roll is all. Besides, it’s been so long since we’ve done any work. I don’t know if I’m up to it.

DJSL:
Are you kidding? You’re on fire right now, buddy. You’re finding something.

IH:
I don’t know. I need to be solid in myself before I can let anyone else in. I’m such a protective person, usually. It’s probably my biggest flaw. This goes for everybody. Friends, girlfriends. Whatever.

DJSL:
So, no more Speed-Dating.

IH:
Maybe not right now.

DJSL:
But you still need to meet people.

IH:
Yes…

DJSL:
…
How do you feel about online dating?

IH:
Not a chance.

DJSL:
Come ON, man.

IH:
Really?

DJSL:
Yeah.

IH:
Really???

DJSL:
I’m serious, man.

IH:
Fuck you. There’s no fucking way.

DJSL:
Why not?

IH:
It’s full of losers. Besides, I don’t know if I’m comfortable selling myself like that. Like I’m some kind of product.

DJSL:
But, you are.

IH:
I don’t like it. I’m not going to put rules on who I am.

DJSL:
Dude. How many times do I have to tell you? Nobody’s trying to change who you are.
The first time we meet somebody, we ARE a product. Our soul is not the product. Our mind is not the product. But, how we stand, how we carry ourselves, what we say, how we say it? How we present ourselves? THAT’s our product. These are all things we can control, and there’s no better venue to learn how to craft your image than on the internet.

IH:
I don’t know.

DJSL:
Whatever, I’ll even sign you up. I’ll totally write your profile and everything.

IH:
What? No way! That’s SO dishonest.

DJSL:
Are you kidding? There are BUSINESSES in Vancouver that will write your profile for you. Like, professionally.

IH:
That doesn’t make it right.
It’s just going to be more of the same speed-dating people anyway. Not my scene.

DJSL:
Dude, plentyoffish was invented in Vancouver - the online dating scene is HUGE here. It’s not a bunch of mouthbreathers and basement-dwellers - it’s regular folks looking for the same things as everyone else. They just might not know how.
Sound familiar?
And it’s a great place to practice.

IH:
Nope. I won’t do it.

DJSL:
…
I’m making you an account right now.

IH:
Don’t you fucking dare.

DJSL:
I’m doing it.

IH:
Fuck! Don’t. Just-
Let me do it.

DJSL:
Okay, fine. Deal.

IH:
Thank you.

DJSL:
Do it tonight.

IH:
I will.

DJSL:
You better.

IH:
I said I WILL.
Fuck.
Sometimes it’s like you’re my girlfriend or something.

DJSL:
Most action you’ve had in awhile.

IH:
You’re an asshole.

DJSL:
Ha.
Go write a profile.

IH:
Maybe I already am.

DJSL:
That’ll be the day.

IH:
I’ll let you know how it goes.

DJSL:
Do that.
Later.

IH:
Later.

DJSL:
No, but seriously. Five?

IH:
Dude. Just fucking deal with it.