I avoided DJ StrangeLove for more than two weeks.
I screened his calls, deleted his emails, ignored his text-messages.
And, for a minute, I almost felt bad.
But only for a minute.
I figured that, after a few days, he’d just give up, stop calling, and go back to taking jacuzzi baths in the middle of the day, or having large amounts of strenuous intercourse with women other than his girlfriend, or whatever else it was he did.
During that time, I saw Steph almost every day.
It was new.
It was familiar.
It was comfortable.
We watched movies, cooked dinner, made love.
Another week went by.
DJ StrangeLove wasn’t giving up. He would email me advice, unsolicited. He would ask questions about rumours he’d heard through friends.
And finally, one evening, three weeks after I’d severed all communication, I opened my apartment door, to find him standing in the hallway.
“Ian,” he deadpanned, “what the fuck?”
His timing was monumentally bad.
“Dude, I can’t talk now. I’ve got somebody coming for dinner in fifteen minutes.”
I began to sweat. It was 5:15. Steph usually got off work at a little past four, and made her way by bus to my place by 5:30.
After realizing that Steph was somebody I actually wanted to date, rather than simply a one-night-stand, I’d been living with the constant nagging fear that she would one day discover my online articles(even at one point begging The Dependent editors to take them down), and, as a result, DJ StrangeLove’s presence in my apartment when she got there wasn’t something I wasn’t particularly eager to explain.
He forced a smile.
“Really? Because I’ve got all night.”
We were silent as DJ StrangeLove entered the apartment, and, without asking, settled onto the couch. I remained standing, arms folded, affecting a tense lean against the refrigerator.
“So,” he sighed, “what’s up with you and Steph?”
“Nothing.”
“How’s it going?”
“It’s good.”
He winked.
“How’s the sex?”
“That’s none of your business.”
DJ StrangeLove sat forward, his eyes flashing with anger.
“You’ve got an awful lot of attitude for a guy who’s getting laid because of me.”
I felt my cheeks flush.
“That’s not what happened. You just gave me some ideas. I took what you said, and made it my own.”
The clock on the wall read: 5:22.
Steph was due to arrive in less than ten minutes.
“I don’t want to talk about this right now,” I said, trying my damndest to control the tremor in my voice, “I need you to go. I’m expecting someone.”
He snorted derisively, leaning back against the couch.
“Yeah? Well, I’m not leaving here until we’ve sorted this out, so you better talk fast. Either that, or we can take it up with her.”
5:23.
Suddenly, I felt my shoulders stiffen, and an electric rage surge through me.
“Fine. You want me to be straight with you? I’ll be straight with you: I quit.”
DJ StrangeLove sighed.
“Ian, don’t be stupid. Don’t push me out of your life because you think I’m the bad guy. Don’t act like you’re suddenly superior just because you have a girlfriend. You’re no prince. You knew what you were doing when you picked her up. Nobody put a gun to your head. I’m not stepping in the way of True Love. You just saw something familiar, and you grabbed onto it as tight as you could, because you’re fucking terrified.”
“You don’t know what you’re talking about, man,” I shouted, “you’re just a low-rent version of The Game.”
DJ StrangeLove leapt to his feet. When he spoke, his voice was deep and intense. Apparently, I’d touched a nerve.
“Yeah, I’ve read ‘The Game’. But, you know what? I’ve read a lot of books. Books on sales and persuasion. Books on animal behaviour. Books on criminal psychology, for Christ’s sake. I’ve been practicing this shit for years. Picking up women isn’t about lines and routines. It’s about understanding the principles behind them. Learning how to wind your timepiece doesn’t make you a watchmaker. So don’t sit there and pretend you understand my methods. You don’t understand shit. You quit now, all you’ve done is buy a nice pair of pants, and used a couple of another guy’s lines. Every pickup artist in the world uses the same principles. They just name them differently.”
“I told you, I don’t want to be a pickup artist!” I roared, ”I’ve told you that a dozen fucking times, and you never fucking listen! You want to know what you’ve taught me? All you’ve taught me is how to betray what I believe in!”
5:27.
My cheeks were now hot with rage now, my heart pounding. It was all I could do not to leap across the couch and begin pounding him to death with my fists. It’s entirely possible that I would have tried (and, likely, failed, given my wholesale pugilistic ineptitude), however, at that moment, my phone rang.
We both stood, looking stupidly at it, unsure of how to proceed.
Finally, somewhat lamely, DJ StrangeLove said:
“Okay. Time Out.”
It was Steph. She was going to be ten minutes late. I conversed as pleasantly as I could manage, and, when I hung up again, DJ StrangeLove was looking at me with his hands raised in surrender.
“Ian,” he said, “I need to be honest with you for a second.”
And here, his pitch dropped. He abandoned all of the characteristic bravado and mannerisms that seemed to define him, and sounded, for the first time since we’d met, like a regular person.
“I understand why you’re doing this,” he said, quietly, “it’s the same reason I started doing it. And, I’m not going to lie to you: there are days when you’ll feel like a bad person. But, in the end, you have to put what you think of as ‘morality’ on hold. Not because it’ll get you laid, or make you more popular, but because you have to, in order to learn. You can’t learn anything, whether it’s basketball, or playing the guitar, without practice. In order to be competent at something, you have to repeat the process hundreds of times. It’s no different with this. And, potentially, you will sleep with a lot of women. Because the only way you can practice stuff like this, is to do it. There’s no simulator for this. I’ll never ask you to hook up with somebody you don’t respect. But I will ask you to open your eyes. Let go of your preconceptions about dating, sex, relationships. Say ‘yes’ to things you might’ve avoided. Because, one day, the love of your life will walk through the door. And, when she does, you’d better hope to fuck you’ve practiced enough that you don’t screw it up.”
There was a hint of regret in his voice.
“We’re more similar than you think, Ian. Hell, in my own way, I’m probably more neurotic than you are.”
His shoulders sagged.
And, in that moment, I saw in him the friendless virgin he’d been so many years before. The lonely boy who’d had no choice but to sit down and learn to socialize from a stack of books, who had, like me, watched hundreds of girls pass him by simply because he couldn’t find the right words to say.
And again, for a moment, I almost felt bad. But, at this point, he was already so far past the line, it didn’t matter. He’d shoehorned himself back into my life, despite being both unsolicited and unwanted, he’d threatened to reveal me in my own apartment. And besides, the man was so gifted in social manipulation, how could I ever trust a single word he said?
“You don’t know anything about me,” I spat, “to you, I’m this little experiment. This trophy you can laugh about with your friends. Cute little Ian with all his cute little failures. Well, fuck you.”
“Ian-”
He stood, and I shoved him roughly toward the door.
“And fuck your System. Fuck your thumbs up, and your conversation-starters. I’m done. Now, get the fuck out of here.”
He stopped resisting as we approached the threshold.
“You’re fucking retarded,” he spat, wandering off down the hallway.
“Yeah, I think I’d give this conversation about one-and-a-half thumbs down,” I shouted after him. “Pound it.”
Then, I slammed the door, and it was the last I saw of DJ StrangeLove in a very long time.
Must still have your morality on hold. Wonder how Steph feels knowing her personal life is being published for all to read. It seems like you gave her a little consideration, begging the dependent to take it down while you were dating, but threw all that consideration out the window. Well stay strong my friend, getting people to hate you takes practice too.
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Fuck what that guy said, this is the best read out there.
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Hey Adam It’s great that people like you encourage Ian and give him a warm wonderful feeling while Steph probably feels really great knowing she was just used for practice, but then again people like you and Ian don’t really care about anyone else, and you think its a great read because you relate, circling each other on a sea of loneliness. Perhaps you two should get together and keep each other warm on these cool rainy days, at least then maybe Ian would quit whining about how lonely and single he is, and maybe learn that compromising his “morality”, and his beliefs won’t in fact help him get what he’s actually looking for, just a bed full of girls to “practice” on and an ever deepening sense of solitude.
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edward obviously this is a good read. its effing entertaining. which i assume is why you are here too. you can see that ian isn’t a guy with women all up in his bed or hot tub and he does have a conscience about it unlike most guys. so yay for ian.
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Actually I’m not here because it’s a good read. I’m here because I’m friends with Steph, and she is hurt by Ian’s blog. Obviously it’s something that Ian thought about too, he writes in this one that he didn’t want her to find out about this website because he though she might be upset, yet he didn’t give it any consideration past that. So Ian doesn’t seem to have much of a conscience to me, and is completely disrespectful regardless of what you might think. No I’m here reading because I’m pissed off, it’s all well and good that Ian can sit back write, and be happy with it, he gets a pat on the back and told good job, all the while Steph gets to read about details of her relationship that she would rather remain private. It doesn’t matter if the stories are written from a position of anonymity, Ian has violated her trust, and used a relationship to his own benefit with complete disregard for the emotion of the other party involved. In the end Ian proves himself to be exactly like most guys, seeking out high fives just because he got laid.
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You’ve obviously studied ‘The System’ yourself, Ed. Keep up the good work, and you’ll be in Steph’s pants in no time!!
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Agh piss off meatbag. I’m tired of this. Ian should stop these posts and you should stop encouraging him. Steph is upset and she is a friend. Quit making assumptions about my intentions you only prove yourself mindless.
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As a guy who teaches other guys how to attract women, I must say that Ian’s application of the techniques taught to him by DJ.Strangelove aren’t based on a genuine desire to attract women and develop positive sexual relationships or experiences. Rather, both Ian and DJ. exhibit pathological tendencies usually found in serial killers, rapists and individuals who have deeply repressed issues regarding their own gender-identities. Instead of looking to score with women, perhaps they should look into some counselling.
Get help guys, Before someone else is hurt.
Best,
David.
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Edward, would your criticisms not apply to anyone who had written about their life experiences, including their relationships? I don’t really see how this is any different. “Steph” is not identified, nor is she portrayed negatively. People have had actual bad things written about them. Suck it up, princess.
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Yes but again, Steph asked Ian to not post the personal details of their relationship, she’s upset by it, and Ian hasn’t even had the decency to apologize or stop. He has disrespected Steph, and has caused her to be hurt. The fact is he wasn’t forth coming before, during or after their relationship, she stumbled upon his blog quite by accident and was horrified, the fact that it’s “Anonymous” is not the point, the point is, she was hurt and betrayed by someone she had come to care for. Ian gets to edit the articles before they are posted, he knows in advance what is going to be in them, and Steph has to read her personal details as they come out. The fact is as long as I have known Steph she has kept her personal details to herself, she’s not one to “kiss and tell” like Ian is so clearly willing to do. So it’s not in fact for me to “suck up”, its for Ian to stop writing about steph and deal with the fact that his material will have to come from elsewhere.
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David D’Angelo, AKA David DeAngelo, AKA Eben Pagan, AKA self-proclaimed marketing / pickup guru, and now, apparently, acclaimed internet psychologist -
Amazing there’s not a single critical review to be found of your methods or materials on the net. Even the Wikipedia ‘Criticism’ section was wiped out since the last Google cache of it. How many spam monkeys do you employ, exactly?
And how do you purport to be any different than these jokers?
http://beyondgrowth.net/guru-criticism/the-unquestioned-gurus-of-the-religion-of-the-self/
Pickup artistry = lame. Be yourself, boys and girls!
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Edward, people’s feelings get hurt in the rough and tumble world of non-fiction. The most you can say is that you think Ian was a jerk in his relationship. Thanks for sharing your opinion. Also, check your grammar, you fucking rube.
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Okay so before I forget about this blog forever and move on and leave Ian to his own devices, here’s my final note. I don’t find it entertaining reading about the details of my private life on the internet whether I am portrayed positively or negatively. That is not the issue. I also don’t enjoy seeing myself depicted as someone mindless who lacks any agency and who only responds to the manipulation maneuvers of “The System.” That’s not “how I roll.” Every week I am left to wonder “what’s next?” as I have no say in this column even though I’m a key character in it. And each week I get to see that someone who I though was genuine, really only saw me as a practice run to prepare for “the real thing” and who only dated me because I was like something familiar so he latched on to that. To Ian, despite the claims you make on here about not viewing me as a “notch on a bed post” and as someone you really liked and respected your actions have proven otherwise to me and in this case it’s only my opinion that really counts. You did this for months behind my back and your continuation of these blogs goes to show you never had any respect for me at all. Shame on me for being too blind to see it. To the other parties involved at the Dependent, shame on you too. I am a real person, gentlemen, not a figment of Ian’s imagination. I am one whom a few of you have met, had drinks with and a couple of you even patronized my place of employment. While you may have had Ian’s permission to publish the details of his personal life, I’ll remind you that I was a part of his personal life and you never had my consent and you never even bothered to ask. But then again why would any of you have bothered since my feelings were moot from the beginning. People aren’t meant to be used as lab rats in social experiments. Best of luck to the whole lot of you. -Steph
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I am a woman in my early twenties living in Van-city, and I have to weigh in here. It’s unfortunate that Steph has been hurt, that’s totally understandable , but I like this blog. I don’t really know if this is someone learning to be a “pick-up artist”, I don’t really care, I just think it’s nice that someone in this town has the balls to admit that their social skills aren’t up to par, and DO something about it. I’ve seen plenty of dudes just “being themselves” by dressing like they did in highschool, being awkward, completely predictable, and expecting or hoping that that’s enough to get my attention. Some people are natural socializer’s and they should roll with what comes naturally, some aren’t, and it’s just something they have to practice. I had to. Sometimes “just being yourself” = being lazy, which isn’t really a turn on. Attractive and interesting women usually put quite a lot of effort into being that way, and they deserve the same. So, really, I feel like this blog is just doing all the girls in Van a favour, because we need more sexy, savy men to step it up.
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oh shit the comments are getting just as exciting as the blog! I predict Ian, Steph and Edward Morales have a threesome
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Is it just me or does it seem like some of these comments are just part of the narrative. Seems convenient is all, having Steph’s friend chime in such a timely fashion. I enjoy it, but my bet is that it’s not all genuine.
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