EXCERPT FROM A FACEBOOK CHAT BETWEEN DJ STRANGELOVE AND IAN HANNON (EDITED MERCILESSLY FOR SPELLING AND GRAMMAR)

3:12 AM

DJSL:
You’re up late.

IH:
I know.

DJSL:
What’s up?

IH:
Nothing.

DJSL:
So, you’re downloading porn.

IH:
What?
I’m not downloading porn.
Why would you even think that?

DJSL:
You’re on the internet and it’s 3AM.

IH:
So? So are you. What are YOU doing?

DJSL:
Downloading porn.

IH:
What do you want?

DJSL:
Read your article.

IH:
I don’t want to talk about it.

DJSL:
You okay?

IH:
I haven’t left my apartment in three days. Except for work, or when driven from my lair by hunger.

DJSL:
She call you?

IH:
No.

DJSL:
She won’t.

IH:
Really?

DJSL:
I don’t know. Was she handicapped?

IH:
?
No, she wasn’t handicapped.

DJSL:
Then, she won’t call.
Now, let’s debrief.

IH:
Not now.

DJSL:
Mistake number one: no context. You panicked because she wasn’t hungry. But who gives a fuck if she’s hungry? You’re a strong, confident man. If you’re hungry, eat. Don’t fold like a cheap tent the second she presents a dissenting opinion.
Now, mistake number two: bad kiss tactic. The cardinal rule when it comes to kissing a woman is simple: Don’t leave it ‘til the end. That’s amateur.

IH:
When do I do it, then?

DJSL:
Whenever it comes up. And your job as a man, is to make sure it does. Because, if that first kiss is awkward, you won’t get a second chance. That’s why getting physical early is key.
Every single thing you do with a woman over the course of the night should be building toward that kiss. It’s not just a thing you do, it’s another waypoint on a journey you started the minute you met her.
It’s a question of building your kinesthetic responses to the point where kissing isn’t a big deal. Get her comfortable with your touch. Get her comfortable being close to you. If it feels like a big deal, it’s probably going to be.
Start closing the physical distance, bit by bit. Once she’s comfortable with the two of you being face-to-face, and doesn’t flinch, or get nervous, she’s probably not going to mind if you kiss her. If she’s not at that point yet, you know it’s not the right time.
Then, all you have to do is make your move.
My favourite was always to get her into a play-fight. You know, start wrestling and grappling over some imagined slight, and then, when you’re close, just start kissing her. BAM. Kinesthetic Response Traning.

IH:
That works?

DJSL:
You always ask me that.
Yes, it works.

IH:
I don’t know if I could do that. I really liked this girl. I respected her. And, if I respect somebody, I want to treat them with respect. Not just a notch in my bedpost.
And the fact that she didn’t sleep with me actually makes me respect her more.

DJSL:
Just because she didn’t fall onto your bed the minute you took her to your place isn’t grounds for respect. It just means she isn’t a fucking moron. You want to know why you didn’t get laid this weekend?
You didn’t DESERVE it.
Sorry man. You didn’t.
And this ties into the other important thing you need to learn:
making your affections have WORTH.

IH:
?

DJSL:
If you’re trying to get her into bed right away, without even knowing her, how much is your interest worth?
Dick.
Nobody gives a shit about things they don’t have to work for. That’s why the army has boot-camp, why fraternities have hazing rituals. If you want to sleep with somebody, you have to make your affection worth something.
It’s what average folks call: “Playing Hard-to-Get”.
Don’t give anything away for free. If she wants something from you, make sure it comes at a price. The prices can be small, like getting her to say ‘please’; just as long as it’s something. Trust me, man: perfect this, and you’ll be getting laid all over the place.

IH:
I told you, I’m not sure if I want that.
I’m not a sleazebag. I don’t want to sleep with every person I meet. I appreciate everything you’ve done for me, but I don’t want to check my morals at the door.

DJSL:
I don’t have a problem with morality, Ian, but I do have a problem with you using it as a crutch. You can have casual sex with someone you respect. Hell, I wouldn’t recommend having it with anybody else. You’re confusing casual sex with meaningless sex. I’ll never advocate sleeping with someone you don’t at least respect. If that isn’t there, you won’t enjoy it.
Period.

IH:
I just don’t think I can fuck this girl and forget about her. That’s just not how I roll.

DJSL:
Awful lot of gun-jumping going on here for a girl you haven’t even properly kissed.

IH:
What the hell was that?

DJSL:
It’s a robot.

IH:
Yeah, but how do you even do that?

DJSL:
It’s a secret.

IH:
Fuck you. Tell me.

DJSL:
Say ‘please’.

IH:
.
Please.

DJSL:
See? Now my response is worth something.

IH:
Fuck you.

DJSL:
You can fuck yourself with that attitude.

IH:
You really don’t think she’ll call?

DJSL:
No, man.

IH:
She won’t?

DJSL:
She won’t.

IH:
Um.
Holy shit.

DJSL:
What?

IH:
She’s calling.

DJSL:
What? Now?

IH:
Fuck.

DJSL:
Don’t pick it up.

IH:
I won’t.

IH:
Okay…

DJSL:
She actually called you?

IH:
I’m going to check the message.
Brb.

DJSL:
So?

IH:
She wants to hang out.

DJSL:
What?

IH:
She says she’s going downtown for a friend’s birthday tomorrow, and she wants me to come out for a drink.
What should I do?

DJSL:
Say ‘Yes’.

IH:
Okay.

DJSL:
Fuck.
I can’t believe it.
Tell her she should meet you for a bite beforehand.

IH:
It’s hard to find places to eat in this town.

DJSL:
No it isn’t. They’re everywhere.

IH:
Not for me.

DJSL:
Why?

IH:
I told you before: I’m a vegetarian.

DJSL:
Well, figure something out.

IH:
Should we make another Date-Plan?

DJSL:
No.
You’re basically going in blind, so, if you have questions during the date, just shoot me a text message.
I’m sort of busy tomorrow night, but I’ve got your back.

IH:
Plans?

DJSL:
Her name’s Tammy.

IH:
I don’t want to know.

DJSL:
My lady really likes her.

IH:
Do you guys do this kind of thing a lot?

DJSL:
What?

IH:
Be swingers, or whatever?

DJSL:
Don’t be so vanilla.

IH:
Well, you seem to have a lot of girls in your life other than your girlfriend.

DJSL:
Yep.

IH:
Is she with other guys at the same time?

DJSL:
Yep.

IH:
Same room?

DJSL:
Uh-huh.

IH:
Fuck.
So… when you’re in a situation or whatever, when there’s two guys and two girls, do you guys ever touch dicks?

DJSL:
.
What?

IH:
Nothing.

DJSL:
Are you serious?

IH:
Forget I said anything.

DJSL:
I think that’s best.

IH:
Gotta go. Early shift at work.

DJSL:
So, you’re finished downloading.

IH:
Fuck off.

DJSL:
Just keep in touch about tomorrow night.

IH:
Dude. Do you actually want me to text you during the date?

DJSL:
Yes.

IH:
Fuck.

DJSL:
You won’t regret it.

IH:
I regret it already.

DJSL:
Just remember: make your affections WORTH SOMETHING.

IH:
I gotta go.

DJSL:
Me, too.
I’ve got another appointment.
You know, touching dicks.

IH:
I’m really getting sick of that shark.